Please read this agreement carefully (although you probably can’t) as soon as you have received it (I’m sorry if I’ve lost you already), sign at the bottom (a X will do) and return to Mugs Estate Agents (if you can work out how to put it back in the envelope provided and find the nearest post-box; you know, those fat red things on pavements that your dog pisses against when you’ve run out of phlegm). We cannot arrange viewings until you have done so (signed, not gobbed). (This is actually bollocks, since nobody ever does, and we’d never get any viewings if we waited).
The sole agency period is for 12 weeks. Naturally, this means nothing to you as you’ve already told five other agents that they will be your sole agent.
Should it be necessary to cease marketing temporarily (like when you’ve got some terrorists staying there), then when this is resumed, the remainder of the agreed period would apply. (That is assuming that you’ve still got a house standing).
Should a sale fail to complete (because you’ve told us the remaining lease is 90 years when it is actually 50), then marketing would be resumed for the remainder of the agreed period following the point at which the sale was agreed and marketing ceased. (You will of course expect to get a higher offer now, and believing it to be our fault, want to change agents.)
Please give us 14 days notice in writing prior to the end of the agreement period if you wish to discontinue marketing, otherwise we shall assume that marketing is to continue after the agreement period. If you later wish to discontinue, please also give us 14 days notice. (There is more chance of the white hairs on my scrotum resuming their ginger hue.)
Mugs Estate Agents has sole marketing rights (that means you can sell it behind our backs to whom you damn well please) during the period of this agreement. Should a buyer arise other than through our agency we would handle the progress of the sale in the normal way and be due the commission agreed. (But you will try to be clever and do it yourself, only to come back to us in six weeks time complaining that we did not have a back up buyer.)
You would be charged commission should a sale complete at any time during or after our agency period with anyone introduced to your property by our agency. (This means that, having told us you are not selling, the nice honest looking family we sent round five months ago are now living contentedly in your old house, and nobody will ever tell us.)
You would only be charged commission should completion take place following an exchange of contracts. No other charges would be due to our agency. (However, even after completion you will suspect that there is a catch and complain that all agents are thieves.)
Our commission would be bugger all % plus V.A.T. (But naturally, you will try to knock us down on exchange. How about cash money? We’ll trust you to drop it all in sometime.)
Property address: (Several X’s will not do here. Get a passing child to fill this bit in for you.)
Vendor’s signature: (You know what to do.)
Date: (Pick an auspicious date that suits nobody else but you. Ditto exchange & completion)