Breaking News.

Brazil, A shoal of chubby piranhas has been put on a strict vegan diet. The deprived fishes, which used to devour a whole pig in minutes, are now being served only crumbled tofu, soybeans and peanut butter at a piranha farm near Macapá after they became plump and heavy. The piranhas, a local delicacy, will have to face a gruelling two-week of training consisting of field length sprints, push ups and crunches, short marathons, specific position drills and sessions of yoga stretching exercises in order to regain a healthy shape. ‘This not only will reduce the risk of heart disease and early piranha death, but it will also help them to get back their distinguished rich flavour’ said, Achuchi da Conceição, the piranhas’ personal trainer. ‘Our toothy friends, you know, have to be fit! there are no buts or ifs, that’s the end of the story! And I will make sure that they return lean and tasty to the pleasure of their consumers,’ he added. A young piranha when asked how he felt about his sorry situation, stated firmly while eagerly sucking on his last cigarette, that he would rather shove a toucan up his own arse (there is great animosity between the two), than to go through all this ‘healthy-getting-fit-business.’
From the banks of the Amazon River.

Todd O'Dwyer, Assorted-Nonsense Press, Macapá.

Ps. For those whose taste buds have been tickled, here’s a recipe for a mouth-watering soupe aux piranha.

600 gr. whole piranha
5 piranhas’ heads (for the stock)
3½ tablespoon of olive oil
3 small shallots, quartered
1 leek, white part only, chopped
Some green vegetables of your choice in season
2 carrots, peeled and diced
2 yams, peeled and cut up
Garlic clove chopped
Sea salt and pepper
2 small chillies chopped
1 ginger root, coarsely chopped
1 sliced lemon

Boil the whole fish in the vegetable and piranhas’ heads stock together with the spices and with half of the coarsely chopped ginger. Heat the oil in large saucepan and cook the shallots for 3 minutes, then add the leek, carrots, garlic clove, chillies and the green vegetables. Cook for a further 3 minutes. Then add the vegetables, sea salt and pepper into the boiling pot and simmer for 30 minutes. Remove bones and the large fins from the piranha. Slice the lemon as garnish and add the rest of the freshly chopped ginger. Leave the soup to cool slightly, serve hot, accompanied with fried bred. Remember, the piranhas’ heads are an aphrodisiac and are often served separately. The soup can also be made entirely from piranha heads if desired…